Do Stun Guns Work?

One of my customers who purchased his lovely wife a 950,000 volt Runt Stun Gun from VeteranSelfDefense.com, for their anniversary submitted this: FUNNY…FUNNY….FUNNY.

 Last week I saw something at http://www.veteranselfdefense.com/ that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  What I came across was a 950,000 volt Runt Stun Gun. 

The effects of the stun gun were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….?? WAY TOO COOL! 

To make a long story short, I bought the device and in about a week it was delivered to my home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the damn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing! I was disappointed…

I learned, however, that I had the batteries in wrong, so I corrected my error and pressed it against the couch.   AWESOME!!!  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie (my wife) what that burn spot is on the couch.   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

 There I was, home alone in my recliner, my cat Gracie  looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the  directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on  a flesh & blood moving target.

 I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought naw, she is such a sweet   cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and stun gun in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would supposedly make your assailant flop on the  ground like a fish out of water.

 Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device thinking to myself, ‘no possible way would this thing disable an attacker.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?  I’m sitting there alone, Gracie (my cat) looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit, I thought  that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…   HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

 I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,  Apparently, I pissed myself, but was too disoriented to know for sure.  Both nipples on fire,  with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my leg.

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as  time was a irrelevant thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and tried to remember what the hell just happened.

 My bent reading glasses were on the floor.  The recliner was upside down and about 5 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

 My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip felt like it  weighed 100 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.  

Note: If you ever feel compelled to stun yourself with a stun-gun, one note of caution:

There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT SHIT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

Yours Truly:

Stupid Ass

 PS:  My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!   ‘If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

Stun Guns

 
Talon™ MINI 80,000 volts
Stun Master Hot Shot 975,000 volts
The Runt Stun Gun
The Rechargeable Runt 950,000v
Stun Master™ 100,000-300,000v
Stun Master™ 625,000 volts
Stun Master™ 775,000 volts
Telescopic Stun Baton 800,000v
Stun Batons 300,000-500,000v
Z-Force™ 100,000-300,000 volts
Cell Phone Stun Gun 800,000 volts
Red & Blue Cell Phone Stun Gun /Pretender Cell Phone Stun Gun
Stun/Alarm Flashlights
Double Trouble Stun Gun
Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun